It's totally okay to ask for help

Your (in)capability is not who you are.

Published on 2025-04-15

A step into the Co-Active Leadership Program & how my over-dependence on competence nearly broke me

I'm embarking on a 10-month long leadership program!

That's right. I'm finally participating in the Co-Active Leadership Program, the prestigious10-month long training about how to be a decent & helpful human being. (At least, that's my esoteric but practical take on it.) It's something I'd been wanting to do for a long time as I now enter the third year as a professional coach in the field of leadership development, yet I had not really invested in my own leadership development in a while.

Many executives, industry leaders and coaches attend this prestigious program and I went through a lot of highs and lows about attending it myself even after I completed the registration!

Also, It's the state of the world today that created the urgency for me. Watching my own country on the brink of losing its democracy, and America in its political & economic turmoils, and what's happening in Gaza, Yemen, Ukraine, Sudan, Myanmar, etc and all the natural and artificial disasters that are unfolding before our eyes everywhere around the world these days, I thought there was no reason to postpone this. If I am to do it, there's no better time than now. I finally took a big leap of faith and registered. This is a massive investment I'm making in myself. All kinds of nervousness and anxiety came with that decision, but there was no turning back.

But once I got there, I quickly learned that the universe had a completely different plan for me. I was confronted with a fact about myself that was hard to swallow, and, as usual, I learned the lesson the hard way.

the injury

So to cut to the chase, I returned from Spain last Saturday with only one fully functioning leg. What happened was that I tore a muscle while participating in one of the activities on Day 2 of the program, and the cute Spanish doctor who was kind enough to see me on short notice put me on bandage, regular icing & crutches for at least 10 days!! That meant I had to go through the rest of the program and fly back to Korea all in crutches! Does he not know that I have no muscle in my upper body?

THAT itself was a program. A unique experience the cruel & sinister universe designed and laid down specifically for me.

AN ORGY OF SABOTEURS INSIDE ME

Life became hard instantly the moment I was on the crutches. Standing up and taking a few steps became a chore. Forget about carrying around your own coffee mug from here to there, or carrying anything at all with these short baby fingers. With every single move I made, my entire physical being felt foreign & burdensome and it aggravated the weird relationship I already had with my body. The muscles in my upper body that I hadn't known existed screamed with pain for a few days.

More importantly, I felt more broken mentally than I was physically, as the inner critics and the self-limiting beliefs started running rampant. I suffered insurmountable disappointment, resentment and anger toward myself and toward the universe, but mostly toward myself. Why hadn't I exercise more rigorously? Swimming and yoga three mornings wasn't enough. My body was useless, and, therefore, I was useless. I felt extremely uncomfortable with requiring physical assistance. My internal dialogue was so excessive & wordy when I had to ask for help. My guilt for being nuisance to others put additional weight on the crutches. I also realized that putting my desires and needs into action without articulating them, like grabbing a bottle to get some water or going to the bathroom whenever I wanted, was a privilege. Not being able to do that and having to constantly plan and prepare every move, so I don't have to be redundant to myself and to others or tell people what I needed was an exhausting hell.

I couldn't participate in some of the key activities that required substantial movement. (I can't describe what they are to keep the mystery intact 🤫), which made me compare myself to my colleagues. I felt I was getting behind because, in my mind, I was not fully participating and maximizing the program. Secretly, I felt petty and jealous toward my them, who seemed to be thoroughly enjoying their experiences, as they rightly should. In one moment, I would convince myself that I am an obstacle to everyone's learning and an eye sore. Then, the next moment, I would tell myself to stick it out because I would still walk away with something regardless. My mind would swing a million times a day like a seesaw in eternal momentum. My thoughts were taking over me, and I found myself withdrawing inwardly, growing quiet, feeling sorry for myself, and wanting to escape from the scene and avoid any personal interaction altogether. All the while, I tried to appear as cheery & "normal" as possible on the outside. What a show. Eventually, I had a tearful breakdown where I was telling the leaders in privacy that I couldn't come to terms with my situation. I wasn't okay with any of it. I couldn't accept it. I didn't know what to do with it. It was an all too familiar place of self-loathing.

IT WAS A MASTERCLASS IN ASKING FOR HELP IN THE END.

Lo and behold (and skipping all the sappy & beautiful dramas in between to save your time for the day), I learned a super important skill in the end: ASKING FOR HELP. Without starting the request with "I'm sorry, but could you...?" Without silently ruminating whether it is something that can be managed on my own. Without feeling guilty that I can't handle even small little mundane tasks. Simply, straightforwardly, & politely, just asking for the support I need was a skill I'd thought I was pretty good at, being outspoken & well-articulated and all. But, the universe was right. I needed this bootcamp training.

Asking for help is knowing, accepting and humbling yourself to your limits. It might feel defeating at first, but, in humility and acceptance lies resourcefulness, confidence, and strength. If I had known this before, it was superficial. Thanks to the injury, I got to fully embody it this time.

Asking for help is letting go of the pressure to perform. You don't have to do it all. You don't have to be it all. You don't have to deliver. You don't have to accomplish anything. Being fully who you are is the only worthy challenge.

Asking for help is letting go of self-sufficiency. It's totally okay to need others. Help is all around you. It was mind-blowing to experience first-hand how ready people were to give it to you, if and when you ask for it. You don't have to be the main or only source of abundance in your life.

Asking for help is expressing your needs. In many cultures, especially in Asia, we're looked down upon when expressing our needs because it's a selfish thing to do. We are often expected to put the interests & needs of the team, the community, the family and the organization before our own needs. If you're a woman or any type of minority, this is even more true. You naturally set aside your needs to look after our loved ones or to go along to get along. Blending in is a way of survival and toward "success." Soon enough, you don't even realize what you need for yourself. How is it possible to articulate your needs when you're not fully aware of them?

Asking for help is claiming your value. Letting the world know that you matter just as much as others, and that you deserve a seat that's equal in size, volume and impact. You deserve to be cared for. Receiving support doesn't mean you are incapable or lacking in any way. We all deserve support because we're nothing but human beings, and our lives become richer & easier if we're more open to help from others. But claiming your value can be a very hard thing to do when you feel you're less or insufficient consciously or subconsciously. Not-enough-ism makes us over-compensate and over-leverage ourselves. It's a quick way of complicating our lives.

For the lesson alone, the experience was worthy of the investment. I'm proud of this version of Joon who knows how to ask for support & love and receive them (equally challenging!), and I'm eternally grateful for everyone who were with me along this adventure.

But the thing is there were so many more miraculous wonderful moments of enlightenment, love, connection & courage from the week. It really was so special and I get teary, googly-eyed just thinking back. I'm 100% sure everyone in my group would feel the same.

And I have three more retreats to go!! My heart is bursting with excitement & curiosity and I feel whole.

Hugs❤️,

Joon

#ResonantProductivity

#CreativeLeadership

#CoActiveLeadership

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Joonyoung Kim is a Productivity and Leadership Coach based in Korea. Through her 1:1 coaching program Redesign Productivity, she helps leaders & entrepreneurs rethink productivity and leadership with more resonance, balance, and creativity so that they can create a more meaningful impact in their personal and professional worlds.

With over 1100 hours of coaching under her belt, she enjoys working with clients from across the Asia Pacific in various industries, including luxury retail, consulting, IT & entertainment, to name a few. She is particularly passionate about working with women leaders and entrepreneurs.

She's certified by the International Coaching Federation, Co-Active Training Institute, Leadership Circle & Hogan, and she coaches & trains in English or Korean in person and on Zoom across time zones.